• Tag Archives Top Guilt
  • Munches, the Club and Beyond (Part 1)

    So, it’s been a while since I posted (just over a month in fact) and for that I give no apologies, but I will give a promise that I’ll try and do better in future! As part of this promise and in the spirit of Christmas and New Year I’m going to write a 3 part article on Social Fet, so here we go with part 1!

    At around the same time that I started writing this blog I joined the FetLife community. I’d heard about it before and created an account, but hadn’t really USED it. After scouring the internet for information on Top Guilt I found a couple of useful bits and bobs and decided maybe it was time to investigate further.

    For reasons none of us have been able to fathom, our local county is unlisted on FetLife (unlike most of the other Uk counties). This makes event organising somewhat more difficult but the everything @pussy has been a rallying point for the community and curates the local group and runs the flagship munch.

    Before hitting FetLife I had never even heard of a munch, so a small amount of googling was required when I hit the sticky post at the top of the group advertising “September 2014 Munch”.

    munch (derived from “burger munch”) is a casual social gathering for people involved in or interested in BDSMWikipedia

    I really want sure that I wanted to meet other people with an interest in BDSM, the very concept of meeting up with a load of judgemental kinky people absolutely terrified me; would they be judgemental, would we be kinky enough to be accepted, Would there be an age difference. I could go on and on but I think you get the point! Fortunately, as is the case with most munches, the munch host (Molly in this case) was more than happy to meet up with us in advance and try to assuage our doubts! Thinking back, I think going to meet our munch host was one of the most nerve racking things I’ve done in recent times, but we needn’t have worried. Molly and her partner Michael are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met, delightfully normal and just as happy talking about the traffic, the difficulties of running an adult blog, or the best BDSM events to attend (more on that later!). We left their company ready and full of anticipation about the upcoming munch!

    Due to some careful plan on my part we only had a few days to wait and so, on a dark September evening we find ourselves sitting in a car park nervously plucking up the courage to go inside. Finally we took the plunge and upon entering almost immediately ran into Molly. One of the best things about having met Molly and Michael in advance was that we felt like we knew someone, and that someone was very quick to introduce us to other new someones. Every conversation and couple was different, the world of BDSM is a varied one, and a munch is no different. Male Doms, Female Doms, occasionals, life stylers and everything in between, but all with one overriding feature: everyone was so friendly! Thoughts of not being accepted instantly went out the door and the next few hours flew by and far too quickly we found ourselves saying heartfelt goodbyes and looking forward to next month!

    One of our regular topics of conversation with our new find friends was (and still is) sharing experience of different events, what’s on in the area and is it worth going. Regularly the Fem Sub Social Club events were discussed and recommended, and finally we couldn’t withstand it any longer and decided to take the plunge. We ordered our tickets at the suggestion of our new friends and bravely set off for a new venue…

    But that is a story for next time!

  • Coping with Masters Guilt

    Knowing is only half the battle…

    Having written my first post on Masters Guilt I realised that although I was happy with the how and what I hadn’t really covered the way I’ve coped and moved forward which I’d intended for anyone finding this blog. So here goes post number 2…

    The key to any relationship is communication and this is most apparent BDSM relationships. I cannot stress enough to anyone starting to feel guilty about what they are doing how important it is to talk to your sub about it. Even in the 24/7 environment I have every confidence that your sub will be understanding and accepting of your situation, particularly if you are still learning like me but even if you are an experienced Dom/Domme of 30 years. I’d actually go so far to say that if your sub isn’t prepared to be supportive then you should really be looking at your relationship on a much more basic level.
    As an example, when I spoke to Little Whore about this she immediately switched into full supportive mode and made me stop, think and really understand that this was what she wanted.
    Communication with others can be useful as well, but it must not replace the communication with your sub. As I mentioned in Masters Guilt I had a long chat with a friendly Dom and it really helped me to get my head completely in order after Little Whore had assured me she was happy. Just the act of talking about it to someone externally was massively helpful in stopping the “bottling up”. In my case, the Dom in question didn’t even particularly understand our particular brand of kink and doesn’t practise 24/7 but it was still a useful conversation with a good listener.

    As dominants we are often taught that aftercare is something for us to lay lavishly onto our submissive at end a scene. Our principle concern at that time should be in looking after them and their emotional state especially if the scene hasn’t ended up as intended or a safe word was used. To make it clear: I’m not suggesting these aren’t of utmost importance during AfterCare but it may surprise submissives (and even some Dom’s) to learn that the Dom can need some AfterCare too. The AfterCare required will vary from Dom to Dom but the general requirement is for the Sub to find a small way too reassure their Dom that they are enjoying themselves and doing the right thing.
    In our case, this has evolved out of AfterCare and into our everyday lives. I’ve come to associate her calling me master during our normal lives as a health check. The more she uses it, the happier she is and the more she uses it without promoting the more I know I’m doing the “right thing”

    Finally I’d also point anyone reading this at Dominant Guide which has quite a nice article on top guilt and coping with it. It definitively helped me and I would recommend a read!

  • Masters Guilt

    A funny thing happened the other day; I found myself doubting if I was doing the right thing…

    I’ll put this into a little more context: Little Whore and I have been dating for about 18months now; what started out as a close friendship turned into dating and then suddenly we discovered BDSM. Actually, that’s not an entirely true statement, we both knew and enjoyed it but in a very limited capacity, what we discovered was that we had a common interest: me as a natural dominant and her as a natural submissive. Exploring this new found world has been a fun and amazing ride over the last 18 months and over time our relationship progressed from Dom/Sub, through Sir and out the otherside into a Master/Whore relationship approaching 24/7. We found Ownership & Possession as a concept recently and it seems to pretty well define our relationship, not perfectly, but definitely closer than anything else described online.

    As we have worked out the “kinks” of our relationship we’ve found things that work for us, and things which don’t. Part of our ongoing transition into O&P has been where to draw the line on individuality; a bad day at work can cause her to rebel against that control, sometimes more control is needed, sometimes care and a relaxation from the BDSM side of things is needed. Working out when to apply these is something which is new to me, and has required a good deal of learning! I’ve heard the phrase “When does no mean NO and when does no mean YES“.  As part of a 24/7 lifestyle in development this has been the hardest thing I’ve encountered. Many things which started out as clear no‘s have over a period of time worked their way into being yes’ (I’d guess you could look at this as soft limits being moved back). In each case my Little Whore was pushed by the “right amount” and things moved on.

    I woke up this weekend and asked Little Whore to do “something” and for reasons I shan’t go into she tried to decline. Rather than punishing her I suddenly found myself doubting if I was doing the right thing; why should I be allowed to determine what she is and isn’t allowed to do? What if a no really meant no, and I’ve pushed through that and made my Little Whore break a hard limit through sheer dominance…

    I talked to Little Whore about this and she assured me that I have been doing the right thing (communication is key) and that I just needed to keep on doing what I’ve been doing up until now, however I found that this didn’t completely assuage my doubt. Thats what she’d say because thats what she thinks I want/need to hear. I started thinking back at this point to an experience some of our friends had with sub drop and wondered if this was something similar. I texted the friend in question and asked if he had heard of anything similar to do with doms. I searched the internet for any references to Master Guilt or Dom Guilt but found no references in any of Google. My friend came back shortly and said the only thing he had encountered was top-drop which I quickly Googled.

    An after-effect experienced by a domme/dom after they have dominated their submissive, characterized by guilt and depression, usually as a result of an endorphin crash similar to sub-drop

    I didn’t felt that this really covered what I was experiencing. I hadn’t really done any  “domination” and I’d only just woken up, so the usual “endorphin crash” didn’t really seem to apply. It did however give me one last try for Google: “Top Guilt”. There are very few relevant results in Google (4 at the time of writing, two of which are the same article) but there at least was something. I couldn’t even find a single adequate definition so I have attempted to come up with my own:

    “An anxiety experienced by a domme/dom as a result of continued domination of their submissive over a period of time. This anxiety is as a result of society “conditioning” that it is wrong to do things against someones will. The breaking of this conditioning causes the domme/dom to question if they are doing the right thing for their submissive.”


    I’ve spent some time thinking about this phenomenon since I experienced it and realised that it’s been building up for a while, bubbling under the surface. The initial problem was that I felt unable to express my doubt without undermining my role as a 24/7 Master  (and yes, I do know that this is a stupid statement). Small pieces of guilt built up over time and then suddenly all boiled over at once. The key for me in reaching this understanding and being able to deal with it lay in analysing the root cause of the problem: Society. Society dictates that we should be good to our partners, we should love, care for and protect them. In our marriage vows we agree to “have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish;” and that doesn’t really cover removing free will, punishing mistakes and training which can fundamentally alter the behavior of the sub concerned.

    I suspect that part of the reason there is so little on the internet about top-guilt is that it’s much less of an issue in part-time non 24/7 relationships. In these relationships the guilt of a heavy scene can easily be offset by the vanilla part of the relationship, whereas in a full time BDSM relationship that aspect of the relationship needs to be worked very differently in order to ensure a balance is maintained. I’ve spoken to Little Whore about this and managed to clear my mind at least for the moment. She rationalised it for me by pointing out that in my own way I am caring for all her needs, including those more fundamental needs of structure and discipline.

    I’ve been thinking for a while regarding the lack of information about this phenomenon on the internet – in my experience that’s quite rare. Most blogs on the internet are written either from the point of view of the submissive or from a “Pro Dom” view point; there seems to be very little written from an informal Master’s point of view. Given the Pro-Dom featureset of most of the blogs, most people don’t want to read about the failures of their favourite Dom/Domme but rather their latest and greatest adventures with their new submissive whore or slave.

    I purchased the Masters House domain a little while ago with no clear intention of what to do with it. It was part of a joke search and having been surprised to find it unoccupied I bought it. I have now decided that it will play host to my blog, written from a “young” masters point of view, one who is learning and will probably make a few mistakes along the way. I’d like to have some How To’s as well, as I make quite a lot of DIY bondage gear, renovations and frames. I may even get Little Whore to write some thoughts and musings from her point of view too! Hopefully you will come along and enjoy the ride.

    In summary:

    Expect the unexpected, you aren’t doing a bad thing when it’s what you both want, and remember: society isn’t always right!

    This is post is part of a series. Read part 2 on Coping with Masters Guilt