A funny thing happened the other day; I found myself doubting if I was doing the right thing…
I’ll put this into a little more context: Little Whore and I have been dating for about 18months now; what started out as a close friendship turned into dating and then suddenly we discovered BDSM. Actually, that’s not an entirely true statement, we both knew and enjoyed it but in a very limited capacity, what we discovered was that we had a common interest: me as a natural dominant and her as a natural submissive. Exploring this new found world has been a fun and amazing ride over the last 18 months and over time our relationship progressed from Dom/Sub, through Sir and out the otherside into a Master/Whore relationship approaching 24/7. We found Ownership & Possession as a concept recently and it seems to pretty well define our relationship, not perfectly, but definitely closer than anything else described online.
As we have worked out the “kinks” of our relationship we’ve found things that work for us, and things which don’t. Part of our ongoing transition into O&P has been where to draw the line on individuality; a bad day at work can cause her to rebel against that control, sometimes more control is needed, sometimes care and a relaxation from the BDSM side of things is needed. Working out when to apply these is something which is new to me, and has required a good deal of learning! I’ve heard the phrase “When does no mean NO and when does no mean YES“. As part of a 24/7 lifestyle in development this has been the hardest thing I’ve encountered. Many things which started out as clear no‘s have over a period of time worked their way into being yes’ (I’d guess you could look at this as soft limits being moved back). In each case my Little Whore was pushed by the “right amount” and things moved on.
I woke up this weekend and asked Little Whore to do “something” and for reasons I shan’t go into she tried to decline. Rather than punishing her I suddenly found myself doubting if I was doing the right thing; why should I be allowed to determine what she is and isn’t allowed to do? What if a no really meant no, and I’ve pushed through that and made my Little Whore break a hard limit through sheer dominance…
I talked to Little Whore about this and she assured me that I have been doing the right thing (communication is key) and that I just needed to keep on doing what I’ve been doing up until now, however I found that this didn’t completely assuage my doubt. Thats what she’d say because thats what she thinks I want/need to hear. I started thinking back at this point to an experience some of our friends had with sub drop and wondered if this was something similar. I texted the friend in question and asked if he had heard of anything similar to do with doms. I searched the internet for any references to Master Guilt or Dom Guilt but found no references in any of Google. My friend came back shortly and said the only thing he had encountered was top-drop which I quickly Googled.
An after-effect experienced by a domme/dom after they have dominated their submissive, characterized by guilt and depression, usually as a result of an endorphin crash similar to sub-drop
I didn’t felt that this really covered what I was experiencing. I hadn’t really done any “domination” and I’d only just woken up, so the usual “endorphin crash” didn’t really seem to apply. It did however give me one last try for Google: “Top Guilt”. There are very few relevant results in Google (4 at the time of writing, two of which are the same article) but there at least was something. I couldn’t even find a single adequate definition so I have attempted to come up with my own:
“An anxiety experienced by a domme/dom as a result of continued domination of their submissive over a period of time. This anxiety is as a result of society “conditioning” that it is wrong to do things against someones will. The breaking of this conditioning causes the domme/dom to question if they are doing the right thing for their submissive.”
I’ve spent some time thinking about this phenomenon since I experienced it and realised that it’s been building up for a while, bubbling under the surface. The initial problem was that I felt unable to express my doubt without undermining my role as a 24/7 Master (and yes, I do know that this is a stupid statement). Small pieces of guilt built up over time and then suddenly all boiled over at once. The key for me in reaching this understanding and being able to deal with it lay in analysing the root cause of the problem: Society. Society dictates that we should be good to our partners, we should love, care for and protect them. In our marriage vows we agree to “have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish;” and that doesn’t really cover removing free will, punishing mistakes and training which can fundamentally alter the behavior of the sub concerned.
I suspect that part of the reason there is so little on the internet about top-guilt is that it’s much less of an issue in part-time non 24/7 relationships. In these relationships the guilt of a heavy scene can easily be offset by the vanilla part of the relationship, whereas in a full time BDSM relationship that aspect of the relationship needs to be worked very differently in order to ensure a balance is maintained. I’ve spoken to Little Whore about this and managed to clear my mind at least for the moment. She rationalised it for me by pointing out that in my own way I am caring for all her needs, including those more fundamental needs of structure and discipline.
I’ve been thinking for a while regarding the lack of information about this phenomenon on the internet – in my experience that’s quite rare. Most blogs on the internet are written either from the point of view of the submissive or from a “Pro Dom” view point; there seems to be very little written from an informal Master’s point of view. Given the Pro-Dom featureset of most of the blogs, most people don’t want to read about the failures of their favourite Dom/Domme but rather their latest and greatest adventures with their new submissive whore or slave.
I purchased the Masters House domain a little while ago with no clear intention of what to do with it. It was part of a joke search and having been surprised to find it unoccupied I bought it. I have now decided that it will play host to my blog, written from a “young” masters point of view, one who is learning and will probably make a few mistakes along the way. I’d like to have some How To’s as well, as I make quite a lot of DIY bondage gear, renovations and frames. I may even get Little Whore to write some thoughts and musings from her point of view too! Hopefully you will come along and enjoy the ride.
Expect the unexpected, you aren’t doing a bad thing when it’s what you both want, and remember: society isn’t always right!
This is post is part of a series. Read part 2 on Coping with Masters Guilt