Yes, that’s quite an inflammatory title but let’s start at the beginning. I can’t remember if I’ve specifically mentioned it so far, but I’m British: I think of this as a big part of who I am and I’m immensely proud of it. I’m also in the fortunate place that through my social and professional circles I have a good number of international friends from around the globe and am not afraid to admit that there’s something about most “foreign” cultures that I’m jealous we don’t have in the UK. A few of those friends are American and I’ve visited that great land on several occasions for both Business and Pleasure and always had a wonderful time and made to be felt incredibly welcome.
So why am I glad I’m not an American today? A few weeks ago I was linked to a blog entry by Mike Ramos. For those of you who don’t recognise the name (or are two lazy to google) Mr Ramos is currently the District Attorney for San Bernardino County and is trying to get himself elected as the new Attorney General for the state of California. It might seem off for a blog like mine to comment on a political individual in a far away land but his blog post astounded me so muchi had to write something if only to let of steam.
Mike’s blog post is entitled “Barcodes and Human Trafficking” and focuses and a website called The Slave Register (TSR). TSR is a long established website run by Tanos to allow the ownership and possession subculture a place to register their “possessions”. The website gives each slave a unique number, certificate and barcode linking to their details. It’s a fantastic website and widely used in the community (including Little Whore). For reasons that I can not fathom Mr Ramos seems to have taken it upon himself to conduct a smeer campaign against TSR and if he had it his way would ban the site completely.
In itself, that isn’t unusual, the bdsm community is used to bring downtrodden. However in this particular case the facts are so wrong you wonder how it even came about. Mr Ramos starts by stating that TSR website is for pimps and that the “slaves” are their prostitutes, he goes on to summarise the operation as follows:
For example, when you input this particular registration number, among other things, it lists who the “slave” is “being trained by” and when the “slave” was “collared.” The term collared is reference to when the slave/victim paid her pimp for the first time.
The article is full of similar inaccuracies and I highly recommend anyone reading this to go and read it and make a sensible non inflammatory comment at the bottom in the hope we can get Mr Ramos to change his views.
What really concerns me about this however is that it’s not some” “random politician”. This is a man who is already a district attorney and who may become Attorney General for an entire state (one which includes San Francisco no less). A man whose entire professional and political career revolves around his ability to uncover the truth, and yet he can’t even research a simple article. If I lived in San Bernardino and had this gentlemen representing the state in a trial I stood certainly be wondering if he applied the same rigour to the courtroom as he does his blog!
In short, I’m glad I’m not an American, not because of the whole American peoples but because of a few terrifying individuals trying to ruin the country for everyone else!
So, it’s been a while since I posted (just over a month in fact) and for that I give no apologies, but I will give a promise that I’ll try and do better in future! As part of this promise and in the spirit of Christmas and New Year I’m going to write a 3 part article on Social Fet, so here we go with part 1!
At around the same time that I started writing this blog I joined the FetLife community. I’d heard about it before and created an account, but hadn’t really USED it. After scouring the internet for information on Top Guilt I found a couple of useful bits and bobs and decided maybe it was time to investigate further.
For reasons none of us have been able to fathom, our local county is unlisted on FetLife (unlike most of the other Uk counties). This makes event organising somewhat more difficult but the everything @pussy has been a rallying point for the community and curates the local group and runs the flagship munch.
Before hitting FetLife I had never even heard of a munch, so a small amount of googling was required when I hit the sticky post at the top of the group advertising “September 2014 Munch”.
A munch (derived from “burger munch”) is a casual social gathering for people involved in or interested in BDSM – Wikipedia
I really want sure that I wanted to meet other people with an interest in BDSM, the very concept of meeting up with a load of judgemental kinky people absolutely terrified me; would they be judgemental, would we be kinky enough to be accepted, Would there be an age difference. I could go on and on but I think you get the point! Fortunately, as is the case with most munches, the munch host (Molly in this case) was more than happy to meet up with us in advance and try to assuage our doubts! Thinking back, I think going to meet our munch host was one of the most nerve racking things I’ve done in recent times, but we needn’t have worried. Molly and her partner Michael are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met, delightfully normal and just as happy talking about the traffic, the difficulties of running an adult blog, or the best BDSM events to attend (more on that later!). We left their company ready and full of anticipation about the upcoming munch!
Due to some careful plan on my part we only had a few days to wait and so, on a dark September evening we find ourselves sitting in a car park nervously plucking up the courage to go inside. Finally we took the plunge and upon entering almost immediately ran into Molly. One of the best things about having met Molly and Michael in advance was that we felt like we knew someone, and that someone was very quick to introduce us to other new someones. Every conversation and couple was different, the world of BDSM is a varied one, and a munch is no different. Male Doms, Female Doms, occasionals, life stylers and everything in between, but all with one overriding feature: everyone was so friendly! Thoughts of not being accepted instantly went out the door and the next few hours flew by and far too quickly we found ourselves saying heartfelt goodbyes and looking forward to next month!
One of our regular topics of conversation with our new find friends was (and still is) sharing experience of different events, what’s on in the area and is it worth going. Regularly the Fem Sub Social Club events were discussed and recommended, and finally we couldn’t withstand it any longer and decided to take the plunge. We ordered our tickets at the suggestion of our new friends and bravely set off for a new venue…
I was interested to learn that new legislation came into effect this week in Britain. This legislation (nicely described here) changes the way the Video on Demand services (actually classified as TV-like services) are regulated. Previously VoD services were regulated by an advisory list from the CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) on what would be classified as Illegal if broadcast. The new legislation changes all of that and now dictates that TV-Like services come under the regulatory powers of the BBFC (British Board of Film Certification), the most important part of this is that the BBFC already has an R18 classification which describes what can and can’t be shown in a film suitable for 18 year olds. There are plenty of blogs out there which give many reasons on why this in itself is a bad thing, and given they’ve spent a lot more time on it than I have this evening so I shall point you in their direction later. I want to look at something bigger.
What’s worrying about this new legislation is not specifically it’s impact on the UK porn industry (although it will definitely have one) it’s the increasing trend that the government thinks it should control what we can and can’t do, what we can and can’t enjoy. Currently “two consenting adults” means you can get away with most things within the privacy of their own bedroom however there is an increasing focus on what that consent means worry that people are over stretching the given consent and people increasingly worrying about how to retrospectively prove that consent was had when confronted with a court of law.
If we aren’t careful there is a real chance that we will see an increasing pressure to conform to society “norms”. It intrigues me that we live in one of the most liberal societies of recent times (the LGBT movement in particular is a great example of the successes on this front) and society as a whole is becoming more and more accepting of the kink community we find that it is our governments that seem unable to cope with the change. It is they who find the need to clamp down and introduce new laws to cover the revelations of the kink community and often with very little real understanding about how our world operates. This is a knee jerk reaction by a set of people suddenly finding themselves completely out of control.
There are lots of groups out there who are advocating that we, the community, need to fight this change; that we need to campaign for our rights and I completely agree but we need to go further. We need to educate those who are afraid of us, those who don’t understand that enjoyment can be had in all forms and that although the law should keep us safe from others, it cannot do that at the expense of our enjoyment.
Taking away the freedom for enjoyment is a very slippery slope…
A couple of months ago we put our house on the market and started looking for new digs: Masters House is currently a mid terrace two bed and we long ago got fed up with paper thin walls and lack of space. Looking around I very quickly came to the realization that my criteria on houses has changed in the 4 years since I was last looking. I’ve suddenly started assessing future houses on a new criteria: Kink Compatibility. This isn’t as simple as the normal house criteria like number of bedrooms or size of garden, you can apply those across all houses and reasonably easily compare like with like, but Kink Compatibility is much more unique to each house. I found myself drifting between different Kink solutions a house that could have a hidden cupboard, a house with exposed beams that had endless scope for rope work, or a house that lends itself to a complete loft/dungeon conversion.
In the end I came to an odd realisation that whilst the house we settled on has lots of Kink potential, by far the most difficult question going forward is:
When Molly first mentioned to me that I should do a kink of the week post I loved the idea; as a new blogger I’m still struggling with ideas on content. When she told be this week’s was on School Uniforms I immediately backed off thinking “but they do nothing for me – why would I want to write about them?”
I was going to start this off with a standing statement: School Uniforms do nothing for me. But as I sat here and wrote it I realised that wasn’t entirely true. There are some pictures of school girls which I find hot, and on thinking about it I’ve come across a fair amount of school girl porn in my time and rather enjoyed it. Having said all of that I still have no desire to have Little Whore dress up as a school girl…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a nice short skirt but the whole concept of pretending to be a school girl just doesn’t do it for me. I think it’s just a bit too close to age play (one of our few mutual hard limits) for me to wrap my head round it.
So why on earth do I enjoy porn of it? I think it comes down to the loss of innocence and suspense of reality. I watch porn in much the same way I watch a film, by suspending reality. In just the same way I can ignore that there is no way James Bond could have survived that explosion, or that Iron Man’s suit ignores some pretty fundamental laws of physics, I am quite happy to accept that the girl on screen is actually 18. I think for me that removes the age play turn off from the equation. One of the biggest turn ons for me over the last 18 months of our relationship has been watching the change in my Little Whore. I don’t think anyone would say she was innocent to start with, but there has definitely been a fair amount of corruption along the way. I think it’s that powerful image of someone losing their innocence and being drawn into our kinky lifestyle which holds the attraction for me.
This was not where I thought this post was going when I started it, I guess that’s half the fun!
I was asked a very interesting question the other day by a new Dom – “What are your tools of the trade and where did you get them from?” I have to admit that it made me stop and think. I’ve never really considered having tools – a lot of our toys have been bought for one purpose or the other but could I define a base set of tools which I use. I’ve been looking for a subject for my next post and this seems to tick the boxes so here goes, my top 5 tools of the trade!
Number 5: Buttplug
A buttplug is a very useful thing, and it can also be a thing of beauty. When Little Whore and I first got together she had a large(ish) silicon buttplug. We tried using it and found that for the most part it was too big for her and uncomfortable. For a long time this ruled out anal play until I purchased a smaller jeweled butt plug for her earlier this year. At first she struggled to take even this one but now can comfortably fit it and I am considering upgrading to something a little larger.
I use the buttplug/anal play as a tool for both reward and as a punishment mechanism (usually when a reminder is needed on just who is in control). A finger sliding into her arse whilst playing with the rabbit can be enough to suddenly push her over the edge into a shuddering orgasm, whilst wearing the buttplug to work can create a sufficient reminder all day of just who and what she is.
We bought our buttplug from eBay, however availability seems to fluctuate.
Number 4: Rabbit
Rabbits are great! Coupled with #5 and a standing order of no cumming without permission a rabbit is an amazing tool within a Master’s armory. In our particular case Little Whore is generally unable to cum without direct clitoral stimulation, this makes the rabbit even more of an implement of my control, without both the rabbit and my command she is unable to climax so it can be a very powerful bribe and reward. I have found it equally useful when I am away for long periods of time, instructing my Little Whore to lie for hours in bed, edging continually until she is utterly worn out but still not allowed to cum, further reinforcing her dependency on me, and increasing her arousal and need upon my return.
Our current rabbit came from Ann Summers and is a Rampant Rabbit: The Neon One, we’ve found it to be very effective although slightly on the large side between rabbit ears and dildo. I do like the fact that Love Honey have a full years return policy and I would probably try and order from them next time round, but I don’t believe they do the Rampant Rabbit range. On the plus side you can walk into an Ann Summers and have a look and feel before you buy!
Number 3: Rope
Rope is amazing; with a little bit of imagination and a little bit of rope there’s very little that you can’t achieve. You can buy all manner of gadgets and gizmos at BDSM fairs and most of them I’m comfortable replicating myself with a bit of rope and whatever I have lying around.
I have two sets of rope at the moment: a polyester set in hot pink, and a natural hemp set in dark purple. I was sceptical about the natural hemp at first, but I absolutely love it. It’s got a coarser initial feel but actually manages to burn less (meaning you can work with it faster) and it ties much more securely, meaning that this is normally the first rope I reach for when restraining is required.
Unfortunately rope (particularly hemp) isn’t cheap. In both sets I have 8 x 8ft ropes which covers most scenarios but the initial outlay on this was quite expensive. Given the versatility of rope however it’s well worth the cost and I don’t think most Dom/Dommes would be without it. There are many places you can buy rope, from your local DIY shop or climbing store to dedicated BDSM outfitters and ebay. Take some time to analyse what you want: not all rope is created equally. If you can, go along to some fairs and try out some different types before you buy.
As a side note to any future Dom/Dommes reading this, a word a caution: there is such a thing as too tight. You can very easily add rope in to a tie which further constricts what started out as a loose bind and there are no guarantees of your sub noticing the change but it can cause dangerous side effects (suffocation or loss of circulation spring to mind as the obvious ones). It’s up to you to keep a good eye on your sub and ensure you know what you are doing. Ask around with friends / look at some of the YouTube examples if you need some advice.
Number 2: Collars
Collars play an important role in any BDSM relationship, ours is no different. Living a 24/7 ownership and possession relationship my Collar marks Little Whore as my property, my most important possession. Although for many a single collar is sufficient I have found that one does not suit all occasions. Currently I have 3 collars for Little Whore, her first collar which I handcrafted myself from leather; a day collar which takes the form of a simple necklace with a locking padlock; and her current evening collar: an Axsmar Talena design purchased earlier this year. Over time I’m sure she will wear more of my Collars but they all represent one single binding agreement.
A collar is a very personal thing, unique to each dominant and submissive. Time should be spent when choosing a Collar for your submissive and ensure that is what you both want and agree on it’s meaning and symbolism. Some relationships will work through several formal collaring stages (Initial, Training, Permanent); some will only be able to wear a collar within the confines of their own home; but in their own way, they all represent something special, so ensure that you take time and choose what works for you.
Number 1: Me
My most important tool without a doubt has to be my own creativity in turning any situation into an opportunity to assert my dominance and control over my Little Whore. It’s what drives our relationship from one level to the next and keeps my Little Whore on her toes, sometimes literally, never fully knowing what comes next. Our O&P relationship is very much based on a mental control with a physical backup, and I can accomplish most things with a single word of command and Little Whore will obey. Even punishments can be verbal; often without needing to go and find the rope I can turn my Little Whore into putty with only a few well chosen words. I’ve found that this works particularly well in the Vanilla world, being able to transition between cultures without having to change our style and with minimal effort I can control and punish Little Whore when out with Vanilla friends without raising suspicion.
Sometimes I find it good to challenge myself to be more creative: “Tonight I’m only going to use the rabbit” or “I want to use only 1 rope for this punishment”. I’ve found this to be a very useful tactic in keeping things from becoming stagnant. Being a relatively new couple to the BDSM scene our available toy collection is minimal so I find it important to continually come up with new, cruel and inventive activities to keep things fresh and keep Little Whore guessing. So far: so good!
Any Bloggers out there, I challenge you: What are you/your dom’s top 5 tools of the trade? (Don’t forget to pingback)
All original credit for this idea goes to @dazstar with his original post on Fetlife
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Having written my first post on Masters Guilt I realised that although I was happy with the how and what I hadn’t really covered the way I’ve coped and moved forward which I’d intended for anyone finding this blog. So here goes post number 2…
The key to any relationship is communication and this is most apparent BDSM relationships. I cannot stress enough to anyone starting to feel guilty about what they are doing how important it is to talk to your sub about it. Even in the 24/7 environment I have every confidence that your sub will be understanding and accepting of your situation, particularly if you are still learning like me but even if you are an experienced Dom/Domme of 30 years. I’d actually go so far to say that if your sub isn’t prepared to be supportive then you should really be looking at your relationship on a much more basic level.
As an example, when I spoke to Little Whore about this she immediately switched into full supportive mode and made me stop, think and really understand that this was what she wanted.
Communication with others can be useful as well, but it must not replace the communication with your sub. As I mentioned in Masters Guilt I had a long chat with a friendly Dom and it really helped me to get my head completely in order after Little Whore had assured me she was happy. Just the act of talking about it to someone externally was massively helpful in stopping the “bottling up”. In my case, the Dom in question didn’t even particularly understand our particular brand of kink and doesn’t practise 24/7 but it was still a useful conversation with a good listener.
As dominants we are often taught that aftercare is something for us to lay lavishly onto our submissive at end a scene. Our principle concern at that time should be in looking after them and their emotional state especially if the scene hasn’t ended up as intended or a safe word was used. To make it clear: I’m not suggesting these aren’t of utmost importance during AfterCare but it may surprise submissives (and even some Dom’s) to learn that the Dom can need some AfterCare too. The AfterCare required will vary from Dom to Dom but the general requirement is for the Sub to find a small way too reassure their Dom that they are enjoying themselves and doing the right thing.
In our case, this has evolved out of AfterCare and into our everyday lives. I’ve come to associate her calling me master during our normal lives as a health check. The more she uses it, the happier she is and the more she uses it without promoting the more I know I’m doing the “right thing”
Finally I’d also point anyone reading this at Dominant Guide which has quite a nice article on top guilt and coping with it. It definitively helped me and I would recommend a read!
A funny thing happened the other day; I found myself doubting if I was doing the right thing…
I’ll put this into a little more context: Little Whore and I have been dating for about 18months now; what started out as a close friendship turned into dating and then suddenly we discovered BDSM. Actually, that’s not an entirely true statement, we both knew and enjoyed it but in a very limited capacity, what we discovered was that we had a common interest: me as a natural dominant and her as a natural submissive. Exploring this new found world has been a fun and amazing ride over the last 18 months and over time our relationship progressed from Dom/Sub, through Sir and out the otherside into a Master/Whore relationship approaching 24/7. We found Ownership & Possession as a concept recently and it seems to pretty well define our relationship, not perfectly, but definitely closer than anything else described online.
As we have worked out the “kinks” of our relationship we’ve found things that work for us, and things which don’t. Part of our ongoing transition into O&P has been where to draw the line on individuality; a bad day at work can cause her to rebel against that control, sometimes more control is needed, sometimes care and a relaxation from the BDSM side of things is needed. Working out when to apply these is something which is new to me, and has required a good deal of learning! I’ve heard the phrase “When does no mean NO and when does no mean YES“. As part of a 24/7 lifestyle in development this has been the hardest thing I’ve encountered. Many things which started out as clear no‘s have over a period of time worked their way into being yes’ (I’d guess you could look at this as soft limits being moved back). In each case my Little Whore was pushed by the “right amount” and things moved on.
I woke up this weekend and asked Little Whore to do “something” and for reasons I shan’t go into she tried to decline. Rather than punishing her I suddenly found myself doubting if I was doing the right thing; why should I be allowed to determine what she is and isn’t allowed to do? What if a no really meant no, and I’ve pushed through that and made my Little Whore break a hard limit through sheer dominance…
I talked to Little Whore about this and she assured me that I have been doing the right thing (communication is key) and that I just needed to keep on doing what I’ve been doing up until now, however I found that this didn’t completely assuage my doubt. Thats what she’d say because thats what she thinks I want/need to hear. I started thinking back at this point to an experience some of our friends had with sub drop and wondered if this was something similar. I texted the friend in question and asked if he had heard of anything similar to do with doms. I searched the internet for any references to Master Guilt or Dom Guilt but found no references in any of Google. My friend came back shortly and said the only thing he had encountered was top-drop which I quickly Googled.
An after-effect experienced by a domme/dom after they have dominated their submissive, characterized by guilt and depression, usually as a result of an endorphin crash similar to sub-drop
I didn’t felt that this really covered what I was experiencing. I hadn’t really done any “domination” and I’d only just woken up, so the usual “endorphin crash” didn’t really seem to apply. It did however give me one last try for Google: “Top Guilt”. There are very few relevant results in Google (4 at the time of writing, two of which are the same article) but there at least was something. I couldn’t even find a single adequate definition so I have attempted to come up with my own:
“An anxiety experienced by a domme/dom as a result of continued domination of their submissive over a period of time. This anxiety is as a result of society “conditioning” that it is wrong to do things against someones will. The breaking of this conditioning causes the domme/dom to question if they are doing the right thing for their submissive.”
I’ve spent some time thinking about this phenomenon since I experienced it and realised that it’s been building up for a while, bubbling under the surface. The initial problem was that I felt unable to express my doubt without undermining my role as a 24/7 Master (and yes, I do know that this is a stupid statement). Small pieces of guilt built up over time and then suddenly all boiled over at once. The key for me in reaching this understanding and being able to deal with it lay in analysing the root cause of the problem: Society. Society dictates that we should be good to our partners, we should love, care for and protect them. In our marriage vows we agree to “have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish;” and that doesn’t really cover removing free will, punishing mistakes and training which can fundamentally alter the behavior of the sub concerned.
I suspect that part of the reason there is so little on the internet about top-guilt is that it’s much less of an issue in part-time non 24/7 relationships. In these relationships the guilt of a heavy scene can easily be offset by the vanilla part of the relationship, whereas in a full time BDSM relationship that aspect of the relationship needs to be worked very differently in order to ensure a balance is maintained. I’ve spoken to Little Whore about this and managed to clear my mind at least for the moment. She rationalised it for me by pointing out that in my own way I am caring for all her needs, including those more fundamental needs of structure and discipline.
I’ve been thinking for a while regarding the lack of information about this phenomenon on the internet – in my experience that’s quite rare. Most blogs on the internet are written either from the point of view of the submissive or from a “Pro Dom” view point; there seems to be very little written from an informal Master’s point of view. Given the Pro-Dom featureset of most of the blogs, most people don’t want to read about the failures of their favourite Dom/Domme but rather their latest and greatest adventures with their new submissive whore or slave.
I purchased the Masters House domain a little while ago with no clear intention of what to do with it. It was part of a joke search and having been surprised to find it unoccupied I bought it. I have now decided that it will play host to my blog, written from a “young” masters point of view, one who is learning and will probably make a few mistakes along the way. I’d like to have some How To’s as well, as I make quite a lot of DIY bondage gear, renovations and frames. I may even get Little Whore to write some thoughts and musings from her point of view too! Hopefully you will come along and enjoy the ride.
Expect the unexpected, you aren’t doing a bad thing when it’s what you both want, and remember: society isn’t always right!